I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
