A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
