My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
