he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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