cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
