she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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