No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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