Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
