Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
