my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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