Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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