Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
