Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
