I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
