I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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