You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother