his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
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You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
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We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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