bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
