He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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