That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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