The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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