Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
All the doctor said was why
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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