I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So. Much. Porn.
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