dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
