True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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