went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
