I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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