Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
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I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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