She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
