I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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