A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
