just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
