couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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