do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You took a bar mat shot.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
