Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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