well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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