So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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