I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
