dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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