I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
