my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
ok first of all what the fuck
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
