Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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