dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
