I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
