I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Randomize
