im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
