you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I forget how to act sober
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
