There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
