So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
