I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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