the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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