Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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