Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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