i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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