he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my shit smells like andre
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows